::superficial:: / Friday, September 22, 2006
somebody cheer me up please. jokes, your smile, anything. but i don't think it would help much. even if it's funny, pardon me, i'll only smile or chuckle a bit. i don't know what's up with me. is it because of sadness, stress or what? but WHY am i sad? the answer - would be found slowly. or maybe it won't be. never found. it's a feeling, just one indescribable feeling. indescribable.
everything - indescribable. how come it's here and why is it part of my life. somehow i feel everywhere you go and see is part of your life. mysteries, clues. and somehow, it shapes who you are. my eyes are stinging and i have no idea why. but they are just welling up, not flowing. who's causing this to happen. is anything missing in my life?
no. i got alot of things. but they are materialistic. materials. not abstract, not profound. not something like love, happiness, friendship. i only got ipod, a table, a computer and everything like this. but even i have those abstract stuff. it seems so. they're fake. they just seem like its real. however, i've never come acorss those that are real. i'm beginning to wonder whether i, too, is fake.
my fingers dancing across the keyboard. my eyes just staring across the screen. watching the words appear. appear. i look down at the keyboard. my fingers doing the job, the keys being pressed down. up and down, up and down. in just a split second. is somebody doing it to me too? up and down. up and down.
i wonder who i am. just someone, not so important here.
my tears have dried, miraculously. it just sinks in back to my eyes again. somehow. why did the tear ducts activate and then don't let the tears just flow. they are suppose to! flow.
everything is superficial. they are just trying to shape you. they aren't that important. friends...do you think they're really 'real'? they just seem real and important. but are they really? not all. they, come and go. pick on you now and then. use you when necessary. i don't know. i'm confused and i don't think my brain is actually working right.
my stereos are booming. the only sounds: wheezing of the air-con, the "click-clack" of the pressed keys, and the music that is playing. i just let it play, and it doesn't make any sense to me anymore. it's the second time i'm playing my playlist. why can't i just let it go? let it go and fly themselves. and i can be a free and light person again. no, i was never someone like that. i was always someone who was clinged and stuck to the wall. my cell, my jail. someone who was always pretending, fantasizing and living in her little own world. that time, i was, happy. now, i don't know where i am, don't know where i am.
maybe i'm held down. maybe i can fly (oh! little bluebird) and reach my potential. maybe i'm someone made out to do great things. but, how come? i don't see anything hinting. it just seems to me now that i'm a CONTROLLED wanderer. who just follows but still have those wild and vague, blurry thoughts.
maybe you think i'm fake. just trying to pretend to be sophisticated and profound and everything else related. that is what YOU think. and i am in no position to change that. but just let me tell you this, what i've just said is a true reflection of what i'm feeling now. even if it's almost indescribable. this is how hard i've tried.
you can pay no attention to it. it's not exactly for YOU to read. it's for ME to pen down my thoughts and you to read it at your own will. i thank all who have actually READ it.
nobody, no-one really knows who i am. because they aren't that close. even if they are, i don't show my true self. because if i do, you probably won''t understand me any much more. you probably won't understand anything i say. because that is not who you think i am. so, i'd rather put on my alter-ego (?) - the ryl that you all know. whether well or not. but as you can see from MOST of my posts, that is not who i really am. i mean, it's me alright, but not exactly. not whole-y. there's this other part of me who is wishing, so hard, to come out. but it isn't really time. maybe older, maybe later.
but even if it doesn't. i am still me. ryl. cheryl. and i think, i've decided, that i'll continue to be who you all know (quite) well. i think we're both happy that way. i make you happy. and you can do too.
smiling, sort of. oh! slowly get to know me, if you want, that is. and i don't mind. okay, little boast. but i can kindduf read character, faces. you know that sort of thing. so it's kindduf easy ( to me) to see if you're acting or really from your heart. but i don't really make a point to do that. so don't act, don't be fake. it won't do you any good. be yourself. i mean, if you have something to hide or whatever, just show partially yourself. like me. kindduf.
good for you if you're a really good actor.
and if you're wondering what a freak i am, i don't care. because it IS in my personality. blame the gods for having my starsign as scorpio. scorpios are known to have split personalities. no, not that serious but have a different personality to different people and different places. that sort of thing. so kevin, yeah, i guess have something to hide somewhere. he has another personality. and i CANNOT pin-point exactly what it is. and have no intention to. why waste time on this weirdo?
all scorpios out there! you must really be very happy for being a scorpio. i don't know about you, fellow scorpios, but i love being a scorpio. it's fun, actually, to keep on switching sides and blah blah. so actually, those who call me fake (and i know who), are actually kindduf correct. you people are really observant, eh?
goodbye. i'm not that sad anymore. tmr's my sis bdae party in advance. so i shouldn't be sad.
:))
/ihopped at
8:55 PM
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